"The Valley of Darkness"

There is no topic harder to talk about than suicide, but that is my goal for this morning. When I entered U Mass as a freshman at age 17, suicide hadn't imposed itself even on the margins of my life. That changed on a Friday night during my first month at college when I was standing with two friends outside of a dormitory in the area of campus known as Southwest making plans.  As we were talking, 22 floors above us, a desperately unhappy graduate student, jumped from a balcony. At the sound of wind we looked up and saw something falling.  Quickly we backed up to get out of the way. Suicide slammed its way into my consciousness.

This dramatic and sad event made the papers throughout New England.  Information about suicide its warning signs and prevention became a popular topic.  Articles quoted that studies showed that stress among college students appeared to be rising and with it, the suicide rate; it was noted that people tend not to talk about suicide because there is a stigma attached to it, yet there are effective steps people you take if you suspect someone may be suicidal. I read all this diligently.  I wasn't one to talk much about my feelings, but in my own way, profoundly affected, as you might imagine.

Now another story from the same year - a few weeks later I  skipped my 8-AM English class, which I considered a waste of time and headed for the Student Union for a cup of coffee. As it happened, I recognized a refugee from the same awful class headed in the same direction. "Pitiful class, huh? Worst teacher I've ever had," I said. My classmate agreed about the worthlessness of the class, but confided with great compassion that our teacher was lousy because she was struggling with personal matters. As we entered the Student Union I vented my opinion that weeks had gone by - this teacher was being paid to do a job and if she  couldn't cope she should take a leave of absence - (I was a very tidy thinker in those days)

As we chose our pastries and ordered our coffee, I learned that our teacher had lost one parent as a child, her other living parent was an alcoholic and her brother had committed suicide a few months before. I mulled this over as we approached the cash register. And I offered that losing a parent or having an alcoholic parent were one thing. Frankly, I had no sympathy for her on that score - she should just get a grip.  But with regards to the suicide - I said with great feeling that I didn't know how you live with  something like that….

My new-found acquaintance, standing there in the cafeteria line looked me with haunted eyes and said, "My mother committed suicide last weekend."

I was stunned and I felt awful. What had I just done?  I had probably said the worst possible thing to someone trying to cope with a suicide. How could I take it back - undo the damage. Quickly I thought about why I had said it - and I gave her the truth.  "Look, the only reason I said what I did was because my own father died when I was young and my mother is an alcoholic." I know you can live with those.  That's why I said that. I haven't experienced a suicide.  I'm so sorry."

We paid for our coffee and walked over to a table and sat.  I didn't know what to say. We didn't even know each other's names but we'd exchanged these intimate and painful things.

I'm not sure I can explain exactly how this happened, but after we sat there in an awkward silence for a while, our eyes caught, and we both kind of grinned and then began to laugh - really laugh. I can't explain it, but I knew in that moment that this person would become a close friend and we have been good friends to this day.

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This subject is too big to cover it well or to impart significant knowledge. The most important thing we do this morning is in confronting suicide at all. As a society or here in this church, we aren't comfortable talking about it. The subject is very difficult to broach.

I want to touch upon it, briefly, from three perspectives - 1)  as a community that will better be able to help someone who is suicidal if we are willing to learn more -  2) as a community in which there are survivors who may have been left behind and 3) as a community in which there may be individuals that do, or some day may consider suicide.

Today, May 4^th, marks the first day of Suicide Prevention Week for the year 2003.  Each year there is a focus for the week - this year's is about creating competent communities of support. Airing it out, talking about it and learning more is the place to begin - We need to do this because suicide is the 11^th leading cause of death in the United States. Suicide cuts across all ages, economic, social and ethnic boundaries.  Four point four (4.4)  million people in this country alone have been directly affected by suicide.

We here in this church, who were friends and neighbors of  Larry Carver who took is own life last November, must be counted in that statistic.  This sanctuary was full to overflowing for his memorial service.  After Larry's death a number of you asked if I would dedicate a service to this topic - that all of it has come together on this day - this is the day the Carver family has chosen to scatter his ashes in a special and public ceremony is just serendipitous. But I want you to know that Larry's son Michael is glad that these dates converged and that we are talking about suicide.

Here are some more statistics - In the US, one person completes suicide every 18 minutes -  and someone attempts it every 43 seconds. Women are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than men, but men are four times more likely to complete the act, perhaps because they choose more immediately lethal means. Three statistics that surprised me:  Massachusetts ranks 49^th of the 50 states with only 6 suicide deaths per 100,000 in population. Only 25% of people who kill themselves leave a note. Despite reports of "winter blues" that appear to lift with the first signs of spring, new, surprising findings show that people tend to kill themselves more often during warmer months.

Again, the point of suicide awareness is that if we know more, then we will be able to talk more easily about it. And if we can talk about it more openly, we may be able to save many lives that right now are being tragically lost. 

Experts say there are some things we all should know about suicide - the first is that most suicidal individuals do not want to die; they just want to end their pain. Here is a description of a suicide attempt by Susan Blauner: author of How I stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me:

    "My worst suicide gesture began on May 27, 1992, when I swallowed handfuls of lithium and the antidepressants Prozac and nortriptyllne. When the meds kicked in, I got scared—as usual—and called someone to tell him what I’d done—as usual. He demanded I hang up the phone so he could call back and alert my dad and stepmother, who were downstairs watching TV in the den. My father found me in the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet with my fingers down my throat. He and my stepmom helped me down the stairs, through the kitchen, out the front door, and into the back of the Cadillac. I passed out on the way to Cape Cod Hospital and wound up unconscious in the intensive-care unit.

I woke to consciousness in the ICU because I couldn't breathe and began gasping. Something was blocking my airway. The lights above me were bright, and the room was a blur. I heard muffled voices and felt the presence of bodies standing nearby. I swung my head back and forth, groaning for help. When I tried to reach up and remove the blockage, I found that my wrists were tied to the bed rails. 1 felt totally helpless to save my own life, and I was terrified.

     I remember opening my eyes in terror, looking straight ahead and seeing only the beige hospital curtain separating me from the rest of the world. In my head swam the thoughts “Oh, my God, I’m really going to die. I really did it this time. I’m going to die, but I don’t want to die! Somebody help me. I don’t want to die!” Isn’t that ironic, seeing as I had just overdosed? That’s what I mean by suicidal thinkers not really wanting to be dead. I only wanted relief from the emotional pain."

Most suicidal persons desperately want to live. Most give definite warnings of their suicidal thoughts; but those closest to them - people like us -  are either unaware of the significance of these warnings or do not know how to respond to them.

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Some of you have shared with me that you have been left behind by someone who has committed suicide. The literature of suicide speaks about shock and grief and guilt and even bouts of relief. It speaks of the silence of others who do not know what to say, who are horrified, themselves, and unable to find words to comfort or even acknowledge the death. It is hard to find yourself in that space. Suicide leaves all this in its wake, and in the hole a profound silence in answer to the question, Why; a silence answers the wondering if there was more that could have been done. And, with all this, there is also the complicated hole in your heart that comes from missing the person,  the life that you shared together. And all the unlived life that you would have shared, has been abruptly torn away forever.

In August of 2002 over 2000 survivors of suicide - those left behind -  walked out of Fairfax Virginia at 6 at night. They walked in the darkness all night toward the Washington Monument where they held a ceremony in the morning light. This walk was a symbolic journey for them - a fundraiser called "Out of Darkness" which raised awareness and $1.1 million for suicide prevention. It also allowed them to see for themselves that, as survivors, they were not alone. A second national walk is planned for the summer of 2004.

Support groups can help participants express and better understand the powerful and troubling emotions they experience and connect with others who have survived suicide. They also provide an opportunity to share personal stories with others who have experienced a similar loss.

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One suicide prevention site on  the web has this to say to those who are contemplating suicide:

"Nobody who has not previously been suicidal can fully imagine the pain you are experiencing right now. You try to maintain your outer life as you think it should be lived and seen, but secretly you may be trying to figure out how to end your life prematurely, whether gracefully or not. The surges of deep agony you experience may become unbearable. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Thousands of people have had feelings like yours. Although some of those people are no longer with us because they succumbed to desperation, many others have found ways to cope with such previously unmanageable feelings -- and they have created useful, successful, and happier lives out of what could have ended in tragedy. What did these people do? THEY GOT HELP. They talked to counselors or doctors or ministers or parents or trusted friends. Your inner pain can become less troublesome if you get help.  Some received help from taking prescribed medicines that alleviate feelings of depression, anxiety, and desperation. These medicines allowed them to get a new grip."

If you are contemplating suicide or you know someone who you think may be contemplating suicide, there are people you can call. Call  counselor or therapist, your doctor or me.  There are also numbers on the Parlor table for the Samaritans that will bring you to people who are trained specifically to help people like you.

If you have ever had a suicidal thought or if you've ever known anyone who has had a suicidal thought, I would encourage you to read Susan Blauner's book, How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me subtitled, "One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention" is wise, wonderful, sort of funny, and very informative. 

I'm sorry that there's not time for a (substantial) talk-back during service-time this morning. This is a topic that needs more, open discussion. I would like to make myself and the book by Blauner available upstairs a noon.  So if you are interested, bring your coffee, and we can follow up on this sermon in the sanctuary then. 

I'd like to close with these words from colleague Barbara Pescan:

"What we can and must do as religious people is ask ourselves to be aware of each person who comes before us. We can ask a friend or loved one, as the Quakers do, How is it with your spirit? And we can stay for the answer. We will not be perfect at this. But, we can try and try again. That’s part of what it is to be human."