Upcoming Sunday Worship Services
CHURCH HUMOR
Here are a few church bulletin blunders.
For those who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs."
"The eighth-graders in church school will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet, Friday at 7 PM. Everyone is invited to attend this tragedy."
"Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to stay for lunch after the B.S. is done.
"Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help."
"Just unveiled, the new tithing slogan for this year's fundraising campaign, 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'"
"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. on Wednesdays.
Please use the large double doors at the side entrance."
"Ladies, don't forget the
rummage sale. It is a great chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't
forget your husbands."
Miss Charlene Mason sang, " I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” Tonight’s discussion topic: “Searching for Jesus.”
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door.
" Irving Benson and Jesse Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days."
"On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper."
"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and the north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
FOR SAFETY’S SAKE
Do not ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal
accidents.
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians.
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents
happen on these.
But, only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are related to previous physical
disorders.
Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church!
Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
(taken from an article by Linda Winship)
Each year the Washington Post's Style
Invitational asks readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting or
changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are
the
2001 winners:
* Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
* Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
* Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
* Sarchasm: The
gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.
* Inoculatte: To
take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
* Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
* Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes
and
it's like, a serious bummer.
* Glibido: All
talk and no action.
* Dopeler Effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
GREAT (Basic) TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT
LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1.. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2.. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush
your hair.
3.. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the
second person.
4.. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5.. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6.. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7.. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8.. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9.. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10.. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT (Basic) TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1.. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2.. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3.. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4.. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held
its ground.
5.. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6.. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the joy.
THE (Basic) FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1.. You believe in Santa Claus.
2.. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3.. You are Santa Claus.
4.. You look like Santa Claus.
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to
change a light bulb?
A. We choose not to
make a statement either in favor of or opposed to the uses
that all human beings have for light bulbs. If in your own
journey, however, you have found that light bulbs work for
you, we are very happy for your discovery. You are invited
to write a poem or compose a modern dance in celebration of
your personal relationship with your light bulb and present
it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service,
during which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,
long life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths
to illumination.
If you think that you have seen all the corollaries to Murphy's law then try this link
http://dmawww.epfl.ch/roso.mosaic/dm/murphy.html
What if ....?
Three Wise Women
would have...
Asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be
Peace on Earth.
As a UU was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please
be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of
them!"
LESSONS
LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK
1. Don’t miss the boat.
2. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
3. Stay fit; when you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you
to do something really big.
4. Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that
needs to be done.
5. Build your future on high ground.
6. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
7. Remember we are all in the same boat.
8. Speed isn’t always an advantage; the cheetahs were on
board...but so were the snails.
9. If you can’t fight or flee - float!
10. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones
on earth.
11. If things get really deep, don’t just sit there and
complain - shovel!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger
threat than the storm outside.
14. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was
built by professionals.
What is the world's funniest joke? According to the early results of an Internet-based study run by British scientists, it is as follows:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up, saying, "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"
Subject: HUM: this is a punny
email
A good pun is its own reword.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong
way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
mother.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.